I can't stress that strongly enough. It's an attempt to make an utterly serious stealth game about a sexy lady killing Nazis who are in no way vampires. Here, just take a look at the screenshots.

Velvet Assassin Screenshot - Too dead to enjoy the view.

I'm sure this Nazi is just using that extra-long collar to keep himself warm, and not block out the burning rays of the sun.

Velvet Assassin Screenshot - Yes, we know smoking is bad. Thanks.

And while this picture might suggest that a vampire Nazi's internal body temperature is so low that his breath condensates the moment it hits the air, that's not the case. He's just smoking.

Velvet Assassin Screenshot - Everyone looks bad in that light.

Why wouldn't this guy be a little pale? He's stationed in a crypt, after all! Wait—Crypt?

Velvet Assassin Screenshot - More stealth games should be set in crypts.

Oh, I'm sure that's nothing. It's totally normal for soldiers to be jealously protecting ancient stone coffins, right?

Velvet Assassin Screenshot - You might want to point that at anything but a wall. Just saying.

Although that really does seem like a lot of manpower for guarding something that's already dead. You know what? Maybe we should get out of the underground levels for a little while.

Velvet Assassin Screenshot - Doesn't get much noirer than this.

There are plenty of non-vampire-related reasons why his skin is the exact same colour as the white door behind him, I just can't think of any at the moment. And the fact that if that lady didn't have a pink face you might think the image was in black and white? Also normal.

Velvet Assassin Screenshot - Perhaps it's makeup. Kabuki Nazis?

Perhaps I'm overreacting. Could they all belong to some sort of super-secret Albino Korps? Perhaps this is all my fault, I mean, we haven't seen them in really good light yet, have we?

Velvet Assassin Screenshot - If it weren't for the guns, they'd be invisible!

Gah!

Is this why the Nazis wore grey uniforms? So that, along with their ash-grey skin they could blend in with urban sprawl and age-bleached fences?

Okay, I found a sniper rifle. Let's finally get a good look at these guys close up. They can't be that vampire-y, can they?

Operation Darkness Screenshot - This is the best possible way to look at a nazi. From far away, with a gun.

Okay, I stand corrected. But despite all the visual evidence to the contrary, I want to make it abundantly clear that Velvet Assassin is not a game about killing Nazi vampires. To prove my point, here's a picture from Operation Darkness, a game that actually IS about killing Nazi vampires. I think you'll see that the last officer and this guy bear little to no—

Velvet Assassin Screenshot - Oh, Alexander Vlado, will my love for you never die?

Ah, hell.

Daniel Weissenberger
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Dale Weir
Dale Weir
12 years ago

Funny piece Dan. It’s a shame that there aren’t many people playing this game or you’d get more people getting the joke.

Velvet Assassin hasn’t gotten much buzz or marketing and it can’t help that it underwhelmed pretty much all who reviewed it–save for GameSpot. It has that budget title air about it. Maybe a different price point… like $20, would ease the criticism. Gamecock should know better.

Brad Gallaway
Brad Gallaway
12 years ago

Heh.