Strategy/Sim

According to ESRB, this game contains: Animated Blood, Mild Fantasy Violence

Game Description: In R-Type Command players are cast head-first into a desperate war against the mysterious alien race known as the Bydo, humanity sends wave after wave of fighters into Bydo space-none of which are ever heard from again. Mankind’s main hope now resides with a lone commander, sent to lead a small armada on a perilous mission into the heart of the Bydo Empire. Low on fuel and forced to scavenge resources and equipment from his surroundings, the commander must use all his cunning and wits if he hopes to succeed, let alone make it home alive.

Had I been asked, one year ago, what the absolute best premise I could imagine for a game would be, there's an 80% chance my answer would have been "A gothic-horror themed League of Extaordinary Gentlemen battle Hitler's undead army." So how can I possibly look at a game fairly when it seems to have been created for a market of me?

According to ESRB, this game contains: Blood, Violence

Game Description: WWII Strategy RPG with Werewolves, Vampires, and Zombies!
Enter an alternate WWII era world where history and fantasy collide. Leading an army of ruthless officers and unearthly creatures, Adolf Hitler marches through Europe, leaving behind a trail of death and destruction. With his powers on the rise and his armies on the move, it falls on you and your team of elite soldiers to cut deep into the heart of the Third Reich and strike a fatal blow to Hitler’s ever growing legion of evil.

Even before I played Dynasty Warriors 6, I was dreading having to write this review. For a critic, there's nothing worse than having to review games that we really like (yes, I'm a fan). Contrary to popular belief, critics do try to enjoy ourselves and we don't point out flaws for the sake of being negative.

According to ESRB, this game contains: Violence

Game Description: Based on the epic novel, Romance of the Three Kingdoms, the genre defining series depicts the massive battles ignited by the fall of the Han Dynasty when three rebellious states moved to overthrow the Emperor of China. Featuring a new proprietary combat engine, Dynasty Warriors 6 delivers the exhilaration of single-handedly destroying thousands of soldiers on massive fields of combat. The lightning-fast, kung-fu fighting, fluid motion-captured animation, intuitive combat system and immersive environments create an unparalleled gaming experience, and push the limits of tactical action.

A while back I went to see the film Juno. I'd heard good things, and Jason Bateman was in it, so "what the hell", I thought. Then, just a few minutes into the film, someone (I don't remember if it was annoying girl or slutty friend) said "Honest to Blog". And then all I could feel was hatred, eating away at my soul and humanity. I turned to the friend sitting next to me and said "The only way this won't be the worst film I see this year is if, by the last ten minutes, it's somehow become a movie about Werewolves with rocket launchers battling Robots on motorcycles." Needless to say, this did not happen, and the film went on to be depressingly dull.

Why am I writing about this here, on a game review site? Well, allow me to post this picture from the Magic Box, the only place to go for pictures of Japanese games that may never come out in North America:

You're not seeing things. That's a werewolf with a rocket launcher. When I first saw pictures of this game late last year, it was like all my fondest dreams of werewolves launching rockets were coming true. According to my therapist, those dreams represent my contentious relationship with my grocer. I suspect my therapist isn't very good at his job.