A few words before I start, this is the edited version specifically for GameCritics. If you wish to read the unedited version, please contact me and I will give you the link. Also I would like to warn you that I criticize games.
HIGH: Nothing in particular, really.
LOW: Minion limits.
WTF: Melting corpses.
So, the other day I was up late at night, browsing none of your
business, doing something you don’t need to know about and
came across Warcraft 3.
Warcraft 3 is an RTS, mass produced by Blizzard Entertainment,
meaning that everything in it is loved by the huge army of fans,
and any criticism would be met by tears and sheer hatred,
thus if I tear the game to ribbons, I will piss hordes of
Blizzard zombies, which is one of the main reasons I want to
review. Unfortunately my reviews are being noticed by a little more than dick, so that probably won’t happen, but here goes anyway.
I have played World of Warcraft and it would be strange to see
the characters in an RTS environment where there is no penalty
for death and you can built umpteen million more of the fuckers
who died, but (and this is a big but) he game doesn’t allow you to do that. After every
some units, you have to build an arbitrary building. And when
they see that that isn’t an obstacle to me filling the entire map
with footmen, they decided do include a food limit.
The story goes that some guy named Evil McEvilpants wants to turn
everyone into a skeleton for some strange reason and nothing else was really told.
game constantly kept reminding me of an expansion pack of
Black&White 2 where you had to fight a supposedly evil God
who kept waking up hordes of skeletons and throwing rocks at
me until I slapped his bonkers. I keep missing the Death Miracle
where a platoon of disposable zombies would rise from the
ground and do my bidding and was constantly jealous of McEvilpants that he had the power to do that.
What I really didn’t like were the generals. If a general dies, you
better hope you saved, because you will have to play the whole
mission again, unless you have an altar where you can revive the
ungrateful dick. But, I never really had to do that, second being
that I remembered to save and first being that the game was too
fucking easy. And no, I’m not playing on easy. on Normal this
thing plays like a violin. Never once I lost to the enemies endless
hordes of Skeletors. I mean, the worst possible thing that could
happen is if the enemies flying pricks come in and you don’t have
enough riflemen, or that the enemies tractor pricks some in and
you don’t have enough guard towers.
Graphics, no matter if they are 3D, frankly looked like Tetris and
whenever someone dies, their skin sinks into the ground leaving
the skeleton, which I didn’t want to observe for too long, mainly
because it looked like someone printed out some bones then cut
them out and put them in place of the corpse.
You select your troops by dragging a box around them, and you can select twelve and only twelve pricks at a time. Then
you have to right click if you want them to move. Heroes can use
special attacks, like magic and so on, but I didn’t use it, because
for that to happen you have to find the right spell, then with a
small target you have to select one of the enemies troops, but
this is pointless, because by the time I have the little target over
the enemy troop’s head he is already dead because my solders
To build houses you have to make slaves, put them to work to
gather the resources, then somehow catch with your cursor one
of the working slaves, click on him and make a stamp on the ground of where
you want the house to be. He will drop everything that he’s doing and go build the thing reeeealy slooooowly. Unless you get some more slaves to build it or train new ones. And If you want him to build two houses and you make the stamp on the ground, he will go build that house, finish it and pick his nose until you tell him to continue building the first house.
And then there’s this. If you select five of your slave pricks and
instruct them to build a house somewhere, only one of the pricks
do it. And then you have to go back and select the remaining
pricks and tell them to build it too.
There’s three types of house you need. The base which has bezillion of upgrades, the tower which has two upgrades, pick one of them. And the barracks, which produce three kinds of prick. Riflemen, footmen, knights and probably some other kind of prick that I didn’t make due to not needing it. The game has way too much upgrades and buildings. I liked the way Red Alert did it. You build a base house, a power plant, an ore gatherer, barracks and you are free to build troops with whom you will fill the entire map. In Warcraft III you feel restricted and trapped, needing to build more and more buildings just to keep on making the same kind of prick.
At one point the game asked me to construct a barracks
raised an eyebrow. Did the dialogue guy fell asleep and an
immigrant wrote that for him? Blizzard, if you want your game to
be taken seriously, then don’t let your employees fall asleep in the
process of production.
At one point near the end the game asked me to destroy five ships, which were scattered across the map and the map was populated by the undead zombies and they wanted me to destroy all five of them within 25 minutes. At this point I just said “Eh, fuck it.” and quit. Also, because I got tired of playing it all day, because I had to finish this review by 8 AM the next day.
Oh yeah, the game also has multiplayer, which I didn’t want to play, mostly
because I would probably get my ass handed to me by the Warcraft
nerds that populate that unexplored territory.
If you didn't like the swearing, then I apologize, because there's nothing really that can be done.